UNDERSTANDING INTIMACY

Sharing, trusting, and engaging in any relationship involves a risk.  A risk that one could be hurt, rejected, used, disappointed and more.  Yet if we do not open ourselves up to the possibility to love and be loved we would miss out on the benefits relationships have to offer, joy, excitement, containment, support, encouragement, and growth.   Intimacy is a process and relationships are dynamic, both require time and energy to develop. 

Intimacy Development

One needs to understand that intimacy cannot be found, created, or possessed straight away.  It is a dynamic process between two people which needs to be constantly negotiated. 

Sharing and involving oneself completely in another too soon in the relationship can be overwhelming and possibly a sign of defence or anxiety.  The level of intimacy of each partner may differ.  If this is the case this needs to be recognised, so that each partner feels able to move forward at a safe pace.  Take time to measure your partner’s responses and talk about how you both feel.  The relationship needs to be strong enough in terms of trust, understanding, and security to contain and manage the exposure and vulnerability which intimacy brings.

Resistance

As you begin to open up and become closer to your partner, resistance may be experienced.  At this point we realise that we are vulnerable and there is a risk of getting hurt because we have started to invest in this relationship.  This may be the time when you or your partner experiences doubts about continuing the relationship or seems distant.  This is where the risk involved in trusting, relying on, and exposing one’s self to, is realised.  It is also a point of opportunity, where further growth and enrichment can ensue.  It is a crossroads which is both scary and exciting.  Trust and security are an essential part of any relationship and it is important that time is taken to ensure both parties feel comfortable with the pace and level of intimacy as it develops.

Vulnerability

The trust and commitment one places in their partner becomes paramount as you grow closer.  This is when you truly open yourself up and show your feelings of vulnerability, bringing your needs to the forefront of the relationship.  Expressing one’s vulnerabilities is part of revealing to the person all that you are.  This can be particularly difficult for those who are anxious, shy, and/or isolated.

Being real by showing all that you are might feel exposing and it is what makes Intimacy both frightening and rewarding.  Expressing one’s needs, directly or indirectly, raises the fear of not getting your needs which runs alongside the possibility of them being fulfilled.  To shut down at this point can reverse the steps you’ve taken so far and possibly the end of the relationship.

Unsuitable Relationships

Some relationships are unsuitable, inappropriate, ill-advised, or even toxic, and warning signs are feelings of resistance, uncertainty, emotional and psychological stress, anxiety, and behavioural change.  Unconscious patterns of relating, learnt from our past experiences, play a part in any relationship.   How we have learnt to relate, what we need and expect from relationships, and what we are able and willing to give, may not be compatible to everyone.  Open communication from the start of the relationship is key to understanding both parties’ wants and needs.  Some incompatible relationships can be damaging, addictive, and all-consuming in which we find ourselves unable to detach from.  These are not healthy relationships and are a sign of dysfunctional relating which is either learnt or personality based.  Recognising our pattern of relating helps us to make better judgements when it comes to relationships and guides us towards more suitable partnerships. 

Get in touch if you need help in processing past experiences or wish to work towards a new relationship.